Wedding Planner

Inviting people

Question:

Etiquette experts alert! I belong to a student organization which has about 7 members, who I am inviting to my upcoming wedding.  I’m reasonably close to 6 of them, but one woman had only been there for a couple of meetings before she had to quit.  During the time she belonged, I asked for everyone’s addresses so that I could send out invitations. The question is: should I still invite this person or not? Points against: 1. I really only met her about three times.  Indeed, she might have forgotten about the whole thing. 2. She’s not a student or even in the same age group as everyone else, so it’s not like I’m ever likely to see her socially. 3. It might seem weird to her to get a wedding invitation from someone she’s only met a few times.  Worse, she might think a gift’s required of her.  (We all know it’s not, but who knows what other people think.) Points for: 1. I already have the invitation addressed. 2. The wedding’s 2000 miles away, and, given that we’re barely acquainted, I would be surprised if she felt it necessary to accept the invitation. 3. She might wonder why she never got an invitation after giving me her address and think I’m really rude for not sending one. I’m leaning toward just inviting her and not worrying about it, but wanted a second opinion. thanks, — mb

Response:

I wouldn’t call myself an etiquette expert, but I would invite her. She may not feel close enough to you (literally and figuratively) to attend but I think it would be the right decision.

Response:

>Etiquette experts alert! >I belong to a student organization which has about 7 members, who I am >inviting to my upcoming wedding.  I’m reasonably close to 6 of them, but >one woman had only been there for a couple of meetings before she had to >quit.  During the time she belonged, I asked for everyone’s addresses so >that I could send out invitations. >The question is: should I still invite this person or not? >3. She might wonder why she never got an invitation after giving me her >address and think I’m really rude for not sending one.

If you asked for her address noting it was for the specific purpose of sending her an invitation, then you’re obligated. If you hadn’t done this, then you’d be off the hook. She’ll likely decline for all the reasons you cited, but don’t leave her hanging. Hope this helps, Noe

Response:

> I belong to a student organization which has about 7 members, who I am > inviting to my upcoming wedding.  I’m reasonably close to 6 of them, but > one woman had only been there for a couple of meetings before she had to > quit.  During the time she belonged, I asked for everyone’s addresses so > that I could send out invitations.

        Telegraphing invitations far in advance is generally a bad plan, for this very reason  Normally, the guidelines that would govern such things are that a wedding is a social event, so you should invite people with whom you socialize (or intend to socialize, if you just haven’t gotten around to it).  When it comes to organizations, you may socialize with some people and not with other people in the organization.  You invite those with whom you socialize and not the others, unless the lines are so blurry that this is likely to cause hard feelings, in which case you might be safer inviting all or none.  The one exception is that the rule about inviting one’s boss is still on the books (though *personally* I think that separation of business and social life should override that, so I wish it would go away         Anyway, under these circumstances, I would normally think it a bad idea to invite this woman.  You barely know her, and so even though wedding invitations are never gift solicitations, an invitation asking her to travel 2000 miles for the pleasure of her company is going to look kind of wonky.  HOWEVER, since it seems that you gave her to believe that you’d be sending an invitation, I think you have to follow through and send one.  Under the circumstances, she should understand why you sent it and will probably decline for the reasons you mentioned.  I think it would be worse to leave her wondering. Take care, Ericka

Response:

Thanks, Noe and Ericka.  I will adhere to your expert advice. Especially since it suggests I do what I was leaning toward doing anyway. Just to clarify — if she had stayed a part of our group, we’d likely have seen each other a lot, since the group as a whole is pretty close, and then it would have seemed rude to have her be the only one not invited.  I assumed, wrongly, that she’d continue to be a member.  Now would be a time for that silly cliche about the word "assume." So off the last batch of invitations goes tomorrow!  I can’t wait to get them out of my apartment–they’ve been taking up precious coffee table space for way too long now… — mb

Response:

>Just to clarify — if she had stayed a part of our group, we’d likely >have seen each other a lot, since the group as a whole is pretty close, >and then it would have seemed rude to have her be the only one not >invited.

Not necessarily. Invitations are extended only to those you have a social relationship with outside the office. If you only see people at the office and never have any contact otherwise, then it’s not appropriate to invite them to such an intimate event. Further, properly, she would never have known she wasn’t invited. It’s never correct to discuss one’s social plans in the office environment; even in the social environment, one does not discuss invitations one has received with others – those others may not have been included for whatever reason the host deemed. Hope this helps, Noe

Response:

> Further, properly, she would never have known she wasn’t invited. It’s > never correct to discuss one’s social plans in the office environment;

Well where I am, the line between business/social melts more all the time.  For example, my boss asks us if we have plans for Thanksgiving before a meeting or at the end of the day.  If coworkers ask what’s going on in my life these days, I tell them I’m getting married.  It’s hard not to.  On the other hand, when a group of coworkers goes out to eat socially, people occasionally discuss work, make notes on the napkins, etc.  It’s hard to differentiate between social interaction or just idle small talk while we’re waiting at work.  Everybody’s aware that I have a wedding coming up, but I don’t know if I want to invite any or which ones, and who expects an invite and who would be surprised to get one.  Not that that matters, but it does a little to me.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Further, properly, she would never have known she wasn’t invited. It’s > never correct to discuss one’s social plans in the office environment; > Well where I am, the line between business/social melts more all the > time.  For example, my boss asks us if we have plans for Thanksgiving > before a meeting or at the end of the day.  If coworkers ask what’s > going on in my life these days, I tell them I’m getting married.  It’s > hard not to.  On the other hand, when a group of coworkers goes out to > eat socially, people occasionally discuss work, make notes on the > napkins, etc.  It’s hard to differentiate between social interaction > or just idle small talk while we’re waiting at work.  Everybody’s > aware that I have a wedding coming up, but I don’t know if I want to > invite any or which ones, and who expects an invite and who would be > surprised to get one.  Not that that matters, but it does a little to > me.

        It is not uncommon for business and social lives to overlap.  It’s just that one has to keep perspective on which activities belong to which realm.  In other words, it’s not unreasonable for someone to mention an engagement at work, but it would be unreasonable to go on and on about all the details in front of people who were not going to be invited, just as it would be to spend a lot of work time making wedding arrangements.  When it comes to deciding whom to invite, one is technically supposed to invite one’s boss (though personally I think this totally flouts the notion of separating business and social lives!).  Beyond that, one invites people with whom one has a social relationship, whether or not one also has a business relationship with that person.  You can even go so far as to invite people with whom you’d *like* to have a social relationship, even if you haven’t gotten around to establishing much of a relationship yet.  But if you cross the line and start inviting people who are really just coworkers–even if they’re really nice people–it tends to start causing an awkward situation.  All of a sudden, you’re asking someone who only knows you by virtue of being thrown together in the workplace to care about your personal life enough to take time out of his or her life and spend time, money, and energy going to your wedding.  Before you know it, people are inviting everyone at work to showers and birthday parties and so forth and it can get downright time consuming, not to mention expensive!  And there starts to be a subtle pressure to participate, because if you went to X’s wedding, shouldn’t you also go to Y’s wedding so that Y doesn’t think you favor X?  After all, you get to *choose* your friends, but you don’t get to choose your coworkers, so you have to be careful about playing favorites.  I know a lot of people who start to groan when the dreaded envelope starts circulating asking for money for *yet* *another* birthday/shower/etc.  At one place I worked, it seemed like there was something nearly every week!  It was lovely to work with such friendly people, but it had gotten a wee bit out of hand–not to mention a bit expensive.         Normally, you don’t bend over backwards thinking about whether someone will want an invitation or whether they’ll come or whatever.  If you would enjoy having them there, you invite them and assume they’re grownup enough to say no if they don’t want to come.  But with work you have to be a little careful.  You’re home free with those coworkers with whom you actually socialize.  If you’re social friends and you want them to come, you invite them. They’ll understand the invitation as a social one rather than a business one, and other coworkers will understand that you invited Suzy because you’re friends outside of work too so no one will be offended.  And, of course, neither you nor Suzy will be chatting the whole thing up at the office anyway.  But if you invite people you will never socialize with at any other time, they will wonder why you’ve invited them to share such a personal and intimate family event.  If you have any power at work (say, if you’re their superior or even if you just have informal power in that you control resources others want or need), then you put them in an awkward position.  They’ll wonder if they really *should* say yes (and buy a nice gift!) even if they aren’t particularly interested in going (or more likely, they wouldn’t mind going but they have other priorities).         Sometimes a nice compromise when you have a friendly office but don’t want to go so far as to create a pseudo-social circle is to bring in some pictures and a bit of cake or something after you get back to work. Everyone gets to celebrate with you a bit and satisfy their curiosity about the wedding, but you don’t have to worry about the size of the guest list and they aren’t out any time or money that they might prefer to spend on their own families. Best wishes, Ericka

Response:

> While my sympathy is with the bride on this one, it’s worth noting that > a guest need not accept a wedding invitation. Once the invitee checks > the little "will not attend" box on the Dreaded Response Card and pops > the DRC in the mail, the invitee’s obligations are done. Unless the > wedding invitations are distributed so widely that they qualify as junk > mail, I can’t see why a prospective guest could feel insulted by > receiving one.

        Oh, I agree, and I think ultimately that’s where the responsibility lies.  Otherwise, we’re all somehow at the mercy of anyone who can drop an invitation in the mail, which is, of course, silly.  But I still think there’s room for having a bit of discretion in the invitation process.  When you send someone an invitation, it says something about how you see them and your relationship with them. You don’t want someone’s reaction upon opening the invitation to be one of puzzlement, or, worse yet, suspicion!  I think you have to go pretty far out on the limb before you’re in that sort of danger, but it does happen.  Also, I think some people are held hostage to this idea that they simply *must* invite hordes of people to their wedding (parents’ business associates, everyone they ever went to school with, everyone who invited them–or their parents–to a wedding, etc.).  I know the world isn’t perfect, and for some people there are a few "obligatory" invites they really have to deal with or face social repercussions they’re not willing to deal with, but I feel pretty strongly that a wedding is a great place to try to draw the line and keep the invitations to the people for whom the event is truly meaningful. > I also suspect that many men seriously believe that an email once a year > qualifies as maintaining a deeply meaningful friendship. I thought this > was a nutty theory when it came time to plan our wedding, but some of > the annual-email people on DH’s guest list actually made the trip, so go > figure.

        All too true, I’m afraid!  And I would never suggest someone not invite someone on the basis of counting communications.  If someone really feels the person is a dear friend, then by all means, invite him or her if it’s possible!  I just think some people talk themselves into inviting people they *know* aren’t really good friends because they think they *ought* to.   > In the groom’s place, the wise thing to do might be to find out *why* > the bride objects to a longer guest list. She may, for instance, be > worried about the work involved in putting on a large wedding and need > reassurance that he will work on it too. Or she may feel very strongly > that wedding vows are a special, near-private event, in which case one > of T’s compromises is in order. Or she may just be baffled that some of > his "friendships" actually qualify as friendships…

        Agreed, absolutely.  In the end, what matters is that they can come to some sort of respectful compromise.  I just wanted to emphasize getting the idea of obligatory invitations out of the way, and also the idea that more invitations are always better.  Then, the discussion can get down to the more salient issues about closeness of relationships, finances, logistical pressures, style, and so forth. Best wishes, Ericka

Response:

I don’t get all the heavy breathing on this group about "gift grub." People talk as though their guests will have access to the guest list, and will "know" that the couple is inviting dozens of people who are not "intimate friends."  Who among us really knows where we stand in a friend’s "hierarchy of intimacy?"  In our case, where 95% of the guests will be traveling from out of state, we have to invite about 50% more people than we actually hope will attend so we can meet our minimum.  We know that lots of people won’t be able to travel to the wedding, but we hope that at least some of them can.  We leave that decision up to them.  If everyone came we would be pleased.  Broke, but pleased.  If our guests look at the invitation and think "they knew I couldn’t come, they only want a gift!" they would be wrong.  So be it.  We’re also inviting lots of people that neither of us know well because they are "intimates" of our parents.  That’s the way things work in our families.  I sincerely pity the guest who believes that they are only valued for the gift they purchase. Meg – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I am a firm believer that if you were good friends with someone and >haven’t talked to them in a couple of years because of time, being far >away or whatever you should still invite them.. she says no. > Generally, weddings are personal events. If you haven’t spoken to > someone in a couple of years, then why bother now?  If you haven’t > made time to keep up with them, what’s their incentive to get dressed > up, buy you a gift and oh and ah over you?  If you want to > re-establish contact, choose an event where you can spend time with > them and catch up. >Also, I believe in reciprocal invitations… I was invited to 3 >weddings in the last year and I believe we should invite them to >ours… even if we haven’t kept in touch with them since. > Weddings are not social events as are dinner parties. Weddings are not > reciprocal events. And again, if you haven’t bothered to keep in touch > with your friends, then don’t bother to invite them to your wedding. > Choose another event to catch up with them because you won’t have time > to at the wedding. >Also, I would like to have an ‘A’ list and ‘B’ list of invitations… >everyone invited at the same time but if we can invite upto x amount of >people and not all can make it shouldn’t we try to invite others that >we wanted to but couldn’t because we maxed out the invitations? > That’s fine. Just make sure that the "B" invitations go out in plenty > of time so as not to give them an inkling that they are a last-minute > guest.  And make absolutely certain that no one knows if he or she is > an "A" or "B" lister; keep that information private. > Hope this helps, > Noe

Before you buy.

Response:

Yes it helped a lot. Thanx. Cheers, CJ Tofah.com- Authentic & Unique East Indian Gifts and Jewelry Shop – for all occasions. http://www.tofah.com Before you buy.

Response:

> Generally, weddings are personal events. If you haven’t spoken to > someone in a couple of years, then why bother now?  If you haven’t > made time to keep up with them, what’s their incentive to get dressed > up, buy you a gift and oh and ah over you?  If you want to > re-establish contact, choose an event where you can spend time with > them and catch up.

Well, its not that they didn’t keep in touch.. I was too busy to keep in touch and inform everyone… I was working 40-50 hrs a week while doing my masters and starting my own stuff.. so time was very limited. Partly my own fault but just because you don’t keep in touch does it mean you lose the friendships that you made in college and what not? > That’s fine. Just make sure that the "B" invitations go out in plenty > of time so as not to give them an inkling that they are a last-minute > guest.  And make absolutely certain that no one knows if he or she is > an "A" or "B" lister; keep that information private.

OK. Cheers, CJ Tofah.com- Authentic & Unique East Indian Gifts and Jewelry Shop – for all occasions. http://www.tofah.com Before you buy.

Response:

I appreciate your input but please don’t post to any of my questions because you seem to go back to making stupid and ignorant remarks. Cheers, CJ Tofah.com- Authentic & Unique East Indian Gifts and Jewelry Shop – for all occasions. http://www.tofah.com Before you buy.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->       Agreed, absolutely.  In the end, what matters is that they can > come to some sort of respectful compromise.  I just wanted to > emphasize > getting the idea of obligatory invitations out of the way, and also > the > idea that more invitations are always better.  Then, the discussion > can get down to the more salient issues about closeness of > relationships, > finances, logistical pressures, style, and so forth. > Indeed. Ericka, I know your research is something with cognition, > social ties, organizational communication, and IT. Do you do social > network theory? I have this vague sense that SNT would throw light on > the "how do you know who to invite" issue, but at this point in the > evening, I wouldn’t want anyone to ask me how. Any ideas?

        I took a couple of classes in SNT, though I don’t use it much in my own research.  There are people in my field who *have* used it (most notably Barry Wellman).  It is fascinating stuff, though, and can shed light on some interesting situations.  In this case, a motivated person could do something like diagram the personal networks of the bride and groom and then make a cutoff at the point where the density or strenth of ties falls below some threshhold value (if a clear threshhold emerges).  I.e., you’d end up inviting those who were not only connected to you, but were also connected to others you were connected with.  I imagine you’d have to factor in some measure of strength of ties, though; otherwise, the really close friend you met at college who just hasn’t had the chance to meet and interact with the rest of your personal community wouldn’t make the cutoff  Oddly enough, I was taking those courses while I was planning my wedding, and it never occurred to me to think about using it for guest list planning.  Could have made for a fun class project!  I’m sure I ended up doing a project on something far less interesting! And, since SNT is very well suited to computer modeling, it would be a perfect addition to the wedding planner software packages!  I can see it now…brides and grooms sending out questionnaires to friends and family to get information to establish frequency and strength of ties, then they enter it into the program and voila!  a guest list!  Wouldn’t that just be perfect?  If anyone complained, you could just blame it on the computer instead of the size of the venue!  Hmmm, must be a business opportunity in there somewhere… Take care, Ericka

Response:

>    Agreed, absolutely.  In the end, what matters is that they can > come to some sort of respectful compromise.  I just wanted to emphasize > getting the idea of obligatory invitations out of the way, and also the > idea that more invitations are always better.  Then, the discussion > can get down to the more salient issues about closeness of relationships, > finances, logistical pressures, style, and so forth.

Indeed. Ericka, I know your research is something with cognition, social ties, organizational communication, and IT. Do you do social network theory? I have this vague sense that SNT would throw light on the "how do you know who to invite" issue, but at this point in the evening, I wouldn’t want anyone to ask me how. Any ideas? Wende Before you buy.

Response:

>My fiance and me are disagreeing on who to invite to our wedding.

Don’t you mean "My fiancee and I"? >I am a firm believer that if you were good friends with someone and >haven’t talked to them in a couple of years because of time, being far >away or whatever you should still invite them.. she says no.

It depends on the size of your guest list. If it is very small, then obivously you would only invite those you are closest to. >Also, I believe in reciprocal invitations… I was invited to 3 >weddings in the last year and I believe we should invite them to >ours… even if we haven’t kept in touch with them since.

It’s nice if you have the room on your guest list, but otherwise, you obviously aren’t very friendly with those folks since you don’t keep in touch. They may look at your invitation as nothing more than a gift grub. If you truly were friends, you would have kept in touch. >Also, I would like to have an ‘A’ list and ‘B’ list of invitations…

How VULGAR! Ron Ng Knows!

Response:

>I don’t mind that except >that if some of the people I want to invite don’t show up I want to >invite the others that I couldn’t invite and maybe can make it.

Be sure that the B list (and C list and D list) don’t know they weren’t originally invited. That would be VULGAR. >Is it wrong to ask people if they can attend and send invitations to >only those who can make it??

Yes. It is as ill mannered as spamming a newsgroup. Ron Ng Knows!

Response:

>          I’m objecting to inviting people *just* because you knew > them when, or they happened to invite you to their wedding though you > haven’t had any meaningful interactions in the meantime.  I’m all for > inviting friends near and far who really mean something to you.  Does > that make sense?

Yeah.  I think the only lapse in constant contact exception we’d make is for actual relatives who "should" be there.  Both our families use weddings as reunions, so it won’t be much of a stretch, plus we’re pretty in touch with much of our families anyway.

Response:

>I am a firm believer that if you were good friends with someone and >haven’t talked to them in a couple of years because of time, being far >away or whatever you should still invite them.. she says no.

Generally, weddings are personal events. If you haven’t spoken to someone in a couple of years, then why bother now?  If you haven’t made time to keep up with them, what’s their incentive to get dressed up, buy you a gift and oh and ah over you?  If you want to re-establish contact, choose an event where you can spend time with them and catch up. >Also, I believe in reciprocal invitations… I was invited to 3 >weddings in the last year and I believe we should invite them to >ours… even if we haven’t kept in touch with them since.

Weddings are not social events as are dinner parties. Weddings are not reciprocal events. And again, if you haven’t bothered to keep in touch with your friends, then don’t bother to invite them to your wedding. Choose another event to catch up with them because you won’t have time to at the wedding. >Also, I would like to have an ‘A’ list and ‘B’ list of invitations… >everyone invited at the same time but if we can invite upto x amount of >people and not all can make it shouldn’t we try to invite others that >we wanted to but couldn’t because we maxed out the invitations?

That’s fine. Just make sure that the "B" invitations go out in plenty of time so as not to give them an inkling that they are a last-minute guest.  And make absolutely certain that no one knows if he or she is an "A" or "B" lister; keep that information private. Hope this helps, Noe

Response:

        I agree 100 percent that weddings are wonderful opportunities for far-flung communities to get together and celebrate.  I just think what matters is whether these people are part of your community or not.  If you haven’t been in touch for years, it’s hard to imagine that you’re terribly close friends.  On the other hand, if we’re talking about a dear friend whom you’ve kept in touch with all this time, but just haven’t been able to see each other in person, that’s a totally different matter.  I’m objecting to inviting people *just* because you knew them when, or they happened to invite you to their wedding though you haven’t had any meaningful interactions in the meantime.  I’m all for inviting friends near and far who really mean something to you.  Does that make sense? Best wishes, Ericka – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > On the other hand, in many communities and among many traditions, weddings > are the reason people get together and celebrate.  They’re important to > maintain families and friendships because if you’re trying to get people to > come out for, what, a housewarming, it’s not going to happen, but a WEDDING, > there’s something to travel for. > In my family, we’ve had four deaths in the past four years.  Don’s had two. > I have already announced that I’m not going to any more funerals for a > while, and instead, I’m having a huge festive fun wedding so my family can > be happy and eat good food and have loads of fun.

Response:

>    I think maybe you need to take a step back and gain a little > perspective on this.  When you invite someone to your wedding, you > are asking them to a very personal event.  You’re asking them to > spend some of their precious free time on you.  Although gifts are > not mandatory, most people are quite aware that they *ought* to bring > a gift if they attend the wedding.  Attending a wedding often involves > travel expenses or buying a new outfit.  It’s not very polite to imply > that you think people whom you haven’t even bothered to *talk* to > for a couple of *years* ought to put out this sort of effort just > because you’re having a big day.

While my sympathy is with the bride on this one, it’s worth noting that a guest need not accept a wedding invitation. Once the invitee checks the little "will not attend" box on the Dreaded Response Card and pops the DRC in the mail, the invitee’s obligations are done. Unless the wedding invitations are distributed so widely that they qualify as junk mail, I can’t see why a prospective guest could feel insulted by receiving one. I also suspect that many men seriously believe that an email once a year qualifies as maintaining a deeply meaningful friendship. I thought this was a nutty theory when it came time to plan our wedding, but some of the annual-email people on DH’s guest list actually made the trip, so go figure. In the groom’s place, the wise thing to do might be to find out *why* the bride objects to a longer guest list. She may, for instance, be worried about the work involved in putting on a large wedding and need reassurance that he will work on it too. Or she may feel very strongly that wedding vows are a special, near-private event, in which case one of T’s compromises is in order. Or she may just be baffled that some of his "friendships" actually qualify as friendships… Wende Before you buy.

Response:

Very insightful. Thanx. Cheers, CJ Tofah.com- Authentic & Unique East Indian Gifts and Jewelry Shop – for all occasions. http://www.tofah.com – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am a firm believer that if you were good friends with someone and > haven’t talked to them in a couple of years because of time, being far > away or whatever you should still invite them.. she says no. >    It is possible for you to invite them, but not necessary. > Also, I believe in reciprocal invitations… I was invited to 3 > weddings in the last year and I believe we should invite them to > ours… even if we haven’t kept in touch with them since. >    Again, you *can* invite them, but it is in no way required. > Also, I would like to have an ‘A’ list and ‘B’ list of invitations… > everyone invited at the same time but if we can invite upto x amount of > people and not all can make it shouldn’t we try to invite others that > we wanted to but couldn’t because we maxed out the invitations? >    It’s ok to do this, but you must work hard to make sure that > your guests are not made aware of the fact that there are two lists. > You will need to be careful in setting response dates and that > sort of thing. >    I think maybe you need to take a step back and gain a little > perspective on this.  When you invite someone to your wedding, you > are asking them to a very personal event.  You’re asking them to > spend some of their precious free time on you.  Although gifts are > not mandatory, most people are quite aware that they *ought* to bring > a gift if they attend the wedding.  Attending a wedding often involves > travel expenses or buying a new outfit.  It’s not very polite to imply > that you think people whom you haven’t even bothered to *talk* to > for a couple of *years* ought to put out this sort of effort just > because you’re having a big day. >    Obviously, one can take this sort of reasoning too far.  There > are lots of reasons people fall out of touch, and sometimes a wedding > is just the time to reestablish those old connections.  Sometimes the > people in question are relatives that you wouldn’t dream of not > inviting, even if you haven’t been in contact regularly.  And, of course, > guests have the right and responsibility to decline an invitation if > they’re not interested in coming or putting out the effort.  But still, > the very fact that you *issued* the invitation implies that *you* > consider them to be intimate friends.  When the reality of your > relationship clearly says otherwise, the invitation starts to look > like you’re grubbing for gifts.  Life is too short to spend your > time and effort on relationships that clearly aren’t going anywhere. > why not keep the guest list to the people who really *are* close > to you?  It’ll be a much nicer and more intimate event, and you’ll > get more time to spend with those who really are your friends. > Best wishes, > Ericka

Before you buy.

Response:

We just went through the same thing you’re going through. I like small weddings–that’s my personality and family tradition. My FH wants to invite everyone he knows, and his family always does big weddings. As everyone is telling you, there is no rule for this. Your FW may have "laid down the law" with you regarding the number of people because she feels overwhelmed at the prospect of having a large number of people at the wedding. I know I used to feel like I was having a panic attack whenever I would see my FH’s prospective guest list. So many strangers. Could I say my vows in front of a bunch of strangers? Somehow my FH and I decided 100 was a good number to shot for in terms of guests–though it took a couple of months to get there and LOTS of talking to get to some agreement. I don’t really have a B list of invitees. I did call most of my invitees ahead of time to see if they would be in town on the day of our wedding because we are getting married on Dec. 29th. Several will not, but I don’t think I will be replacing them on my guest list. FH does have a B list. However, he didn’t want to call people ahead of time to find out if they were going to be in town. He thinks he will be able to send out extra invites when people start RSVPing. My experience with this is that most people wait until the last minute to respond, which doesn’t leave a lot of time left to send out extra invites. Plus, I think that sending out a wedding invitation two weeks before the event sort of tells people that they were on the B list, which I don’t think is very nice. Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck with your planning. KM Before you buy.

Response:

>         I think maybe you need to take a step back and gain a little > perspective on this.  When you invite someone to your wedding, you > are asking them to a very personal event.  You’re asking them to > spend some of their precious free time on you.  Although gifts are > not mandatory, most people are quite aware that they *ought* to bring > a gift if they attend the wedding.  Attending a wedding often involves > travel expenses or buying a new outfit.  It’s not very polite to imply > that you think people whom you haven’t even bothered to *talk* to > for a couple of *years* ought to put out this sort of effort just > because you’re having a big day.

On the other hand, in many communities and among many traditions, weddings are the reason people get together and celebrate.  They’re important to maintain families and friendships because if you’re trying to get people to come out for, what, a housewarming, it’s not going to happen, but a WEDDING, there’s something to travel for. In my family, we’ve had four deaths in the past four years.  Don’s had two. I have already announced that I’m not going to any more funerals for a while, and instead, I’m having a huge festive fun wedding so my family can be happy and eat good food and have loads of fun.

Response:

> I am a firm believer that if you were good friends with someone and > haven’t talked to them in a couple of years because of time, being far > away or whatever you should still invite them.. she says no.

        It is possible for you to invite them, but not necessary. > Also, I believe in reciprocal invitations… I was invited to 3 > weddings in the last year and I believe we should invite them to > ours… even if we haven’t kept in touch with them since.

        Again, you *can* invite them, but it is in no way required. > Also, I would like to have an ‘A’ list and ‘B’ list of invitations… > everyone invited at the same time but if we can invite upto x amount of > people and not all can make it shouldn’t we try to invite others that > we wanted to but couldn’t because we maxed out the invitations?

        It’s ok to do this, but you must work hard to make sure that your guests are not made aware of the fact that there are two lists. You will need to be careful in setting response dates and that sort of thing.         I think maybe you need to take a step back and gain a little perspective on this.  When you invite someone to your wedding, you are asking them to a very personal event.  You’re asking them to spend some of their precious free time on you.  Although gifts are not mandatory, most people are quite aware that they *ought* to bring a gift if they attend the wedding.  Attending a wedding often involves travel expenses or buying a new outfit.  It’s not very polite to imply that you think people whom you haven’t even bothered to *talk* to for a couple of *years* ought to put out this sort of effort just because you’re having a big day.         Obviously, one can take this sort of reasoning too far.  There are lots of reasons people fall out of touch, and sometimes a wedding is just the time to reestablish those old connections.  Sometimes the people in question are relatives that you wouldn’t dream of not inviting, even if you haven’t been in contact regularly.  And, of course, guests have the right and responsibility to decline an invitation if they’re not interested in coming or putting out the effort.  But still, the very fact that you *issued* the invitation implies that *you* consider them to be intimate friends.  When the reality of your relationship clearly says otherwise, the invitation starts to look like you’re grubbing for gifts.  Life is too short to spend your time and effort on relationships that clearly aren’t going anywhere. why not keep the guest list to the people who really *are* close to you?  It’ll be a much nicer and more intimate event, and you’ll get more time to spend with those who really are your friends. Best wishes, Ericka

Response:

That is very true!  Like I said…the only thing that will be right for them is to find an agreement they can both live with and be comfortable with. Sab – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Everyone has their own opinion and the only RIGHT thing for you is whatever > agreement you and your fianc

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